Accepting Acceptance

I pulled myself out of bed this morning at 4:57 just before the alarm was set to go off. Grace had waken me several times during the night by sitting up, looking around, then finding another position to curl up in as she resumed her slumber. I kept waiting for her to jump out of the bed and wander over the sliding door, where she might mitt on the vertical blinds, her way of telling me she wants to go out.

Today was an exercise day, running to be exact. And because I'm meeting the guys at 6 PM for pizza followed by a meeting, I'm up to run at 6 AM. In the basement. On a treadmill. I hate the treadmill. 

OK, maybe hate may is too strong of a word, after all,  I've logged over 6,000 miles on that machine since 2003.  Say nothing for the miles I've run in exercise rooms of hotels, those 12 years I traveled for Gallup. All this coming from a guy who said he'd never run on a treadmill. Period. Foolish me.

But before I lumbered down the basement steps, I sat and read the paper and enjoyed a cup of coffee.   

That took me an hour so now it's 6 am and I'm on the machine, with CNN blaring and the close caption scrolling  (I need both), and I'm telling myself, "just get the first mile in and you can go from there." I might as well have been Richard Gere in "An Officer and  a Gentleman" doing push-ups while Lou Gosset screams at him, "You can quit anytime you want, Mayo!"

Maybe it's that I've had a cold/sinus thing that has lingered for over 2 weeks now or that it's dark and cold outside and I'd really rather run outdoors, or that ....no, it's really none of those things. It's because I'm lacking acceptance right now. I want things, some things, not everything, to be different. I want what I want when I want it. And that's not acceptance.

Sure, I'd feel better if I could run after work instead of before work, but I'm committed to my meeting and the pizza thing. So I get up early. And sure, if it was April or May, I'd be out enjoying the fresh spring air at 6 am. And sure, if I had my own running track in the McMansion I don't own, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Or whatever it is that we are doing now.

But wait, there's more. If I didn't still have to go work everyday, I could get up later and linger over coffee and the newspaper then run In the daylight at 9am. And take my time. Or take Grace the beagle for walk like I see my retired friends on Facebook doing. It just isn't fair.

And then there is the issue of retirement. While Georgette is doing her last lap this year, my retirement isn't scheduled for at least 4 more years. Surely there has to be a plan B that I could conjure up that would free me from the burden of having to be a professional for 4 more years. All my guy friends retired years ago, some in their late 50's. 

So what does all this have to do with acceptance anyway, you might be asking. Acceptance, for me anyway, starts with accepting reality. Just the facts, ma'am. I can't change the fact that my body isn't as limber or resilient as it was when I was 30. 61 isn't the new 41 either so don't even try to go down that path. I need more rest and more recovery time between long runs. And running at the same intensity I did 34 years ago would risk injury. So while that's something I could try, it's just not a good idea.

And I can't change the fact that I did nothing to start planing for retirement until I was into my 40's  other than to have a job and pay into social security.

After accepting reality, acceptance means spending my time and energy on solutions and POSITIVE things I can control. Note the emphasis on the word positive. Spending time on strategies to get even isn't acceptance. Trying to change another person isn't acceptance. Giving up isn't acceptance, nor is "throwing the baby out with the bath water." Modifying my exercise plan based on reality is acceptance. Giving up exercise and feeling sorry for myself is not acceptance.

Here are a couple of other things acceptance isn't:

Acceptance doesn't mean that what I find unacceptable  is right or fair or just.

Acceptance doesn't mean I would wish whatever is troubling me on my worst enemy.

Acceptance almost never means that I like or approve of what my reality is.

Finally, staring at or obsessing on something I find unacceptable, be it person, place or thing, is not an act of acceptance.

On a practical level, I've learned that the best way for me to being the process of acceptance is to talk about whatever with another person I trust. Someone who also knows how to practice acceptance. Someone who won't let me wallow, but will listen and then redirect me. Then it's up to me to take the action that leads to acceptance.

I've also learned that to reach acceptance on some things takes a while and isn't something I do once and I'm done.

It's early in the New Year and I've already been given several situations to work on. I guess I'll have to accept that acceptance is going to be part of of my life from here on out.

There's hope though- it's supposed to be 50 degrees tomorrow. Maybe I can skip the treadmill and run outside.

I'll leave you with the prayer of acceptance:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

And a sense of humor for when I don't."

Which is like everyday.

OK,  I'll stop talking now.