I'd rather not go through with it even though I'm sure it will be relatively painless. It's just that I don't care about it although part of me cares that I don't care about it. But alas, even the part of me that cares that I don't care about it, isn't enough to make me want to care about it, if that makes any sense.
See, here's the deal. I've been working full-time in professional type jobs since I was graduated from college way back in 1975. Music teacher, retail human resource manager and trainer, counselor and consultant. Traveled the Midwest, traveled the country and traveled overseas doing my thing. Work has been good to me, I have to admit. I've almost always enjoyed what I did and who I did it with. I worked for mostly good organizations. I got to use my strengths most days to do what I do best. I had a good ride.
But I'm tired. Not a beaten down tired, but a fatigue that sort of snuck up on me in the past several years. A fatigue that makes going through things like a performance review at 62 and a half years of age and, after a long and successful career, seem like a waste of time. And if not entirely a waste of time, then at the least, something I'd rather not do and really don't care much about. It's not that I have it bad or that my work life is unbearable, it is just that I'd rather be somewhere else, doing something else.
Some of it will be new adventures and some of it is familiar. I still love playing the saxophone in the community bands. Gardening gets me going in the spring and engages me through autumn. I'd love to get a part-time job doing something where I get to interact with people. And I want to spend more time with my wife and with Grace than I am at the present-going for walks together, visiting the museums and attractions of our region that we haven't seen yet. Some days, just mutual putzing around the house. Heck, I might even learn to take a nap.
Georgette and I are on different time modes since she retired in December. I still have a compressed time schedule and she, having freed herself from 60 hours a week of work and commuting, has the gift of almost unlimited time. Don't get me wrong, I am benefiting directly from her abundance of time. Most nights when I arrive home from work around the 5 o'clock hour, dinner is in preparation (including new recipes) laundry is done, the house is in order and Grace is sleeping in her crate, exhausted from the walk she gets nearly every day.
As evidence of how we spend our days differently, here is a text that was followed by a Facebook post that she posted at 11am yesterday:
On the other hand, soon can't get here soon enough.
So back to that performance review. I'll just keep it to myself that one of my goals for the next year is to "stay in the moment" and "take it a day a time".
It probably hasn't helped that I made my password on my work computer "Retirement716" a couple of months ago. Or that when I had to change it yesterday, I came up with "Hanginthere716".
Either way, I'm 3 down, with 15 to go. Wish me luck.
Postscript one day later- Some days I'd rather be lucky than good. My review went well and the woman I report to, the Sr. VP of HR was gracious, thoughtful and supportive. But I'm hoping to not have to do this again next year....wish me luck.