Run, hide, deny, deflect, reset, land on your feet, start all over again. It got tired. And discouraging. Two steps forward and one step back turned into one step forward and three steps back. You do the math-I was getting no where in a hurry. It was time to give up, surrender and admit defeat. My way wasn't working anymore.
On October 28, 1990, I took the exit ramp off the road I was on and asked for help. I was lost and I needed directions. They say to be careful what you pray for, but I prayed to a God I didn't understand, wasn't sure I believed in and rarely relied on, if ever. I remember asking God to "take everything I have, just give me some peace."
The God of my understanding has a wicked sense of humor. Instead of taking everything, this God let me keep my stuff, all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly, but instead directed me to a fellowship called AA. And it was there that I learned the prayer that would save my ass.
The first time I ever said the "Serenity Prayer" was at the end of my first night in the part-time evening treatment program I had signed up for. It was awkward, holding hands with a group of people I had just met, reciting a corny prayer and capping it off with a rousing version of "keep coming back, it works!" as the coda.The next time was later that week in a smoke filled hall in Ralston, Nebraska at the end of the first AA meeting I ever attended. Same prayer, same coda, different people.
Over the years, I 've come to cherish and rely on the Serenity Prayer. The simplicity of its words along with the depth of it's meaning have become the most powerful resource in my modest spiritual toolkit.
In those early days of learning to live without drinking and to live "life on life's terms", the mere act of asking for serenity bought me time. A day, an hour, at times even a moment or two.
"God, grant me the serenity....."
God, Buddha, Yahweh, Mother Nature, whatever, whoever, I'm not the higher power anymore and I need help. Can you help me find some serenity? The mere act of asking for help, along with admitting that I didn't have the answers, was the first step towards a better life.
And I don't think it matters that much if you believe in a god or not. Just ask for serenity. A couple of my atheist friends say this works for them. They don't believe in God, but they also know that they are not the Higher Power. So they ask.
"To accept the things I cannot change,"
Oh, I'm beginning to get it. I can't find acceptance if I'm not serene. Calm down, let go, relax. Take a deep breath. Go for a walk. Quit staring at the problem.
And just what is it that I cannot change? It would be oversimplifying it a bit to quote the typical "people, places and things" line. However, what I quickly came to realize was how much I had tried to control "people, places and things" and how little control I actually had. That will blow your serenity right out of the door in a hurry.
Today, I can control my intentions and actions in pursuit of doing the next right thing. People and the rest of the world are going to do what they are going to do and I can fight it or I can accept it.
Just do the next right thing. Mind your own business. This too shall pass. Seems pretty simple. It's not, and that's why the prayer saved my ass.
"the courage to change the things I can,"
As I grew in my sobriety journey, I became much more aware of how much I had to learn about becoming the person I wanted to be. Learning to be humble, to confront one's own character flaws and to make amends for those I had harmed took courage and patience. The "one day at a time" slogan is part of the courage I had to borrow from others when things couldn't get better fast enough.
Even today, 24 years later, I still need the patience and courage to face life on life's terms. When am I going to retire? How will I deal with aging? What if we run out of money? I may be in a different place than I was 24 years ago, but I need the wisdom and guidance of the Serenity Prayer as much now as I did then.
And speaking of wisdom.....
"and the wisdom to know the difference."
"To accept the things I cannot change,"
Oh, I'm beginning to get it. I can't find acceptance if I'm not serene. Calm down, let go, relax. Take a deep breath. Go for a walk. Quit staring at the problem.
And just what is it that I cannot change? It would be oversimplifying it a bit to quote the typical "people, places and things" line. However, what I quickly came to realize was how much I had tried to control "people, places and things" and how little control I actually had. That will blow your serenity right out of the door in a hurry.
Today, I can control my intentions and actions in pursuit of doing the next right thing. People and the rest of the world are going to do what they are going to do and I can fight it or I can accept it.
Just do the next right thing. Mind your own business. This too shall pass. Seems pretty simple. It's not, and that's why the prayer saved my ass.
"the courage to change the things I can,"
As I grew in my sobriety journey, I became much more aware of how much I had to learn about becoming the person I wanted to be. Learning to be humble, to confront one's own character flaws and to make amends for those I had harmed took courage and patience. The "one day at a time" slogan is part of the courage I had to borrow from others when things couldn't get better fast enough.
Even today, 24 years later, I still need the patience and courage to face life on life's terms. When am I going to retire? How will I deal with aging? What if we run out of money? I may be in a different place than I was 24 years ago, but I need the wisdom and guidance of the Serenity Prayer as much now as I did then.
And speaking of wisdom.....
"and the wisdom to know the difference."
I'd like to think that I'm old enough now to know better, but that isn't always the case. The wisdom I needed to acquire came slowly and largely from other's experiences. So in spite of being somewhat wiser, life has a way of throwing curve balls at me that seem like a Mariano Rivera fastball in the bottom of the ninth that is almost un-hittable. At those times, if I remember to pray for serenity, acceptance and courage, I will find the answers I need in the form of the collective wisdom of the fellowship.
Even today, the Serenity Prayer can save my ass. It's almost a perfect prayer. Short, simple, deep, profound. I would only make one small change to it if I could. I would add a tag line to the end:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.......
And a sense of humor for when I don't!
With any luck, on Oct. 28th, I will once again say the Serenity Prayer and ask for another 24.......hours not years.
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