Aging Gracefully-Musings on a Life Well Lived: Lessons From a Mother

I'm reading all kinds of posts today on Facebook about mothers, most of them eloquent, grateful and touching tributes to the women who made sacrifices, showed encouragement and provided consistent loving guidance to the children they raised.

I'm envious and I shouldn't be.

I'm envious because that's not my story. Sometimes I wonder how things would have been different if I had a mother who was more like those I'm reading about in those tributes.

But I know better. I can't change the past. It is what it is. Acceptance. Forgiveness. Gratitude for the gifts I was given. I've been working this process for many years now and just when I think I got it down pat, Mother's Day comes along and stirs the pot.

It hit me this week when I was in the greeting card aisle at Walgreens picking out cards for Georgette. As I was scanning through the rack of cards, noticing all the flowery language and overly sentimental expressions, I thought to myself "well at least I don't have to look for a card that is neutral". You know that card? The one that is more of the "have a nice day" variety than the "you're the best mother in the whole world" variety.

A little context here. To say my mother was a unique and complicated person is a bit of an understatement. She had 8 children in 11 years and then became a feminist in the late 60's and early 70's. She and my dad divorced in 1974 and somewhere around that time, I remember her making a statement that in summary, rejected the notion of Mother's Day. And a comment about how it was just a day to keep women in their place. And don't be giving her any of those kitchen gadgets like measuring cups or potholders.

About the time Mothers Day was rejected.

So I stopped celebrating Mother's Day somewhere around that time. Off the hook. Free from the obligation to browse the card racks looking for not-so-sappy cards.

After she moved to New York City in 1980, where she lived for over 25 years, I never saw her on Mother's Day and rarely called, let alone sent a card. I'm not sure what my other 7 siblings did.

It stayed that way until I married a mother, a wonderful mother, I must say. Georgette is the mother that those cards in Walgreens are meant for. She is gracious, loving, supportive and consistent. She raised 2 children, mostly as a single mom, with joy, a sense of family and continues to be a positive, stable presence in their lives today. Her "give them roots and wings" and "you don't own their souls" beliefs continue to guide her as her children have grown into adulthood and become parents themselves.

When we first met, Georgette couldn't really understand why I didn't honor my mother on Mother's Day. I tried to explain it to her and even though she accepted my story, it just didn't make sense to her. Even after she met my mother and "saw for herself" she always nudged me to at least buy a card. Even if it was just a "have a nice day" Mother's Day card.

I have to admit that Georgette' s influence on me was profound. In spite of my mothers ambivalence about her role as a mother to her adult children, I became a better son to my aging mother.

On the Mothers Day card I wrote to Georgette today, I wrote that "it has not been lost on me that I have benefited from all the love, support and grace that your children have experienced all these years".

Today, I honor both of the mothers in my life. The one who gave me life, passion, self-assurance and my own soul and the one who has shown me about what parenting adult children can be at it's best.

Some of the best lessons I've learned, have been lessons I learned from a mother. The one I had and the one I married.