How Do You Keep the Music Playin'?

How do we keep the music playin'?

Baseball and blossoms, that's how.  And a perfect combination to usher in spring. Except that it is still winter in Nebraska so we have neither here.

So it was off Charleston, SC, last weekend for a late winter sojourn where the magnolias were blooming and where there was baseball to watch. Lest you think that it is a strange combination, read on and you will be enlightened or maybe at least somewhat entertained.

We’ll be the first to admit we got lucky. Our paths crossed later in life, in our mid 40’s, after we had the opportunity to practice being married a few times. Sort of like marital mulligans.  After most of the parenting was done-and not by me. And in 1995, when I applied for a job at the company where Georgette was employed, we met, became workmates, then friends. 17 months later we said “I do" and the rest is…..music.

Both of us could probably come up with our own list of things we did in our prior relationships that added to the drama or poked the marital bear. We both cleaned our side of the street so to speak. We took our own inventories, like in Step 10. And we both grew.

And since we were both trained and practicing as counselors that would surely give us a distinct advantage. Think again. Like the cable TV huckster back in the 80’s who was peddling his “10 Steps to Getting Rich” scheme  where he preached to his audience one evening, “Watch what poor people do….then don’t do it”.  

Brilliant.  Watch what unhappy couples do, then don’t do it.  I think I got it. Then someone came along and suggested that good isn’t always the opposite of bad. We both had a crash course in what not to do, but how then did we know what to do, you know, to keep the music playin'?

We didn't. We just figured most of it out as we went along. What we both agreed on up front was that neither of us was interested in any kind of relationship that wasn't about enhancing our lives, plain and simple. And neither of us wanted to work that hard at it  either.

What? Not work that hard at it? Isn't that relationship heresy?

What we weren't willing to do was work hard at being somebody we weren't. Or work hard to expect the other person to be someone they weren't. Or work too hard to decide on what restaurant we want to eat at tonight, or what movie we want to see. Or what color to paint the living room or whether we should mow the yard today or tomorrow.

Which brings us back to baseball, blossoms and keeping the music playin'. 

We discovered we were both Maximizers. 

Maximizers focus on quality over quantity. 

Maximizers focus on strengths, not weaknesses.

Maximizers ask, "what is the best use of our time right now, today, or this weekend?"

Maximizers would rather take something good and make it great. Polish the pearl, if you will.

It didn't us long to figure what out what we both liked and who did what best.

We both like baseball. And basketball.. She got me hooked on volleyball.

I like to run. She likes to walk.  Some days I run and she walks and other days we walk together.

She likes to cook. I like to eat. Thus, we dine a lot at home.

I like to grow flowers. She likes to pick and arrange flowers.

We both love music. I want to stand right in front of the stage. She wants to sit in a seat. Sometimes we go together and sometimes I go without her. 

I love the energy of a city. She loves the solitude of the mountains or beach. We both love to travel so we meet in the middle. We do some of each.

We both love to mow and the look of a freshly mowed yard. So she mows the front and I mow the back.

I like lots of gadgets. She likes a crisp house. So she gave me a basket for the remotes. And sometimes I actually use it.

She prefers to spend time with those she knows. I like to meet n' greet. I've promised to never make her go on a tour bus with a bunch of old coots to somewhere like.....Branson, Missouri.

The list goes on and on.

To put us in a musical framework, there is a lot of variety in what we do. But there are also a lot of rituals and routines, themes if you will. The tempo ebbs and flows. More often than not it is active and expressive with lots of dynamics. Almost always in a major key with melodies that intertwine. The sections that are in minor modes are short lived and almost always interjected by some other composer. There are parts where she takes the lead, and there are times  when the baton is passed back to me. 

And when one or both of us starts to get out of tune, or plays a wrong note, the other will simply tip the baton and cue the other person back in.  The music may slow or get quiet. So far it hasn't fallen apart or come to a screeching halt.

So when it comes to working on our marriage,  you could say we are both pretty committed to keeping the music playin'.

Which takes us back to baseball and blossoms.

We needed a late winter getaway. Nebraska was playing baseball in Charleston against the Citadel. There are good restaurants and old historic things to see. The weather would be decent. We could be outside.The magnolias would be in bloom.

So off we went. We saw 3 baseball games. And visited the Magnolia Plantation. Took a carriage ride in old Charleston. I ran and she walked in Harmon Park. We ate good seafood and Thai. Walked through the neighborhoods near the Battery and admired the classic old homes and gardens. And on our last night we had dessert at the worst McDonalds I've ever seen and laughed all the way back to our hotel where we watched the first half of the Oscars  before we both drifted off to sleep.

Cue the music.....

I think I can hear James Ingram and Patti Austin singing.

“If we can be the best of lovers 

yet be the best of friends

If we can try with every day to make it better as it goes 

With any luck than I suppose 

The music never ends”