Sometimes, there are more important things.......

The congregation had settled in for another of Pastor Frank's sermons at the Lutheran church I attended back in the late 80's. Pastor Frank usually gave a good sermon so the fact that I was constantly switching channels had less to do with him and more to do with my short attention span. But for some reason that Sunday, I tuned back into his frequency just I time to hear him say, "Sometimes.....there are more important things ....than being right..."  As he paused momentarily, I remember the voice inside my head saying  "Ooh, that's good" as I began to wonder what some of those more important things were. The pause lasted only a couple of seconds when he completed his message with "even if you are." Then he said it again.

"Sometimes, there are more important things than being right, even if you are". 

He could have left the "even if you are" part out and his statement would have still resonated with me that morning. It was  like those words flew out of his mouth and made their way across the congregation and like a wayward foul ball, whacked me upside my head. Except no one came running to to see if I was alright. To this day, I have no idea today what the rest of his sermon was about , but I have never forgotten those words or who it was that said them to me.

I have a confession to make. I know this will come as a surprise to some of you who know me, but I can be a bit of a know-it-all. Stop your laughing....What? You already knew that? ....You say I 'm a what?  A sexual intellectual? What you mean by that?.....Oh I get it, I'm an F****ing know-it all!

More times in my life than I'd like to admit, I have thought I was right and then went on to tell you I was right, only to lose in the end. Sometimes I meant well, it's just that I tried too hard. I wanted you to like me or think I was smart. Other times, I didn't mean well and used my righteousness to hurt you, embarrass you or put you in your place. Either way, it was wrong and over time I paid a price for it.

The truth is, most of times when I thought I was right and told you I was right, I was acting out of fear. Fear that you might be right. Fear that I might be disappointed in the way things would turn out. Fear because I felt less than you. Fear that I might not get something I thought I deserved or would lose something that I thought I was entitled to. Driven by a thousand forms of fear, I stepped on those who cared about me or pushed away those I didn't think cared about me. And I was left wondering why at times, I felt so alone.

  

Pastor Frank's words came at a time in my life when I was just beginning to realize who I was and who I wasn't. As I went forward from that Sunday, I often used his words in my teaching, always taking time to tell others about who he was to me. Whether counseling with couples or  teaching about conflict resolution or relationship skills, his words have
came in handy so many times I could not count.

So, what is more important than being right, even if you are? I'm sure you have your own list, but here a few of mine: 

Having a good day with a bit of serenity.

Maintaining good relationships  with family and friends.

Giving others the respect to live their own lives, their own way.

The possibility I could be wrong.

Staying connected to others rather than driving wedges or creating barriers.

We live in world gone mad, it seems at times. If you are looking for fault in people, places or things you don't need to look very far. And even if you are just going about your day, minding your own business, it seems like there are plenty of people who you would swear, just got out of bed to drive all the way over to your side just of town to ruin your day. Believe me, some days I need all humility, restraint and grace I can get.

I was teaching a seminar once where I told a story about a man in my city who was killed in a road rage incident. Turns out he thought he was right and went after the driver who he thought had wronged him, only to die as a result of his efforts to retaliate. I had Pastor Frank's quote on my PowerPoint and shared it with the class. At the end of the seminar, a man came up and told me he enjoyed the seminar and then he handed me a napkin with a handwritten poem on it. He suggested it would have come in handy to the poor soul who perished in the road rage incident. As he walked away, I read what he wrote on the napkin:

He was right, dead right.

And now he is gone.

And he is just as dead as if he had been wrong.

Last fall, Pastor Frank passed away here in Omaha. I attended his service and was able to share this story with his son and daughter--that I used their father's words  many times over and always mentioned where I learned them. It was the least I could do to honor an old friend and the man who conducted our wedding ceremony. His words ring as true today as they did some 25 years ago and for that, I am truly grateful.

Note: The poem written on the napkin is a version of an old English poem that dates back many years. If you google it, you will find slightly different variations of it.